CHAPTER 1

Most people think courting and dating are the same; they are similar in many ways, yet different when applied in a relationship. Courtship is an early 18^th-century word used by parents or guardians and was enforced when it came to young adults who showed interest in each other. This ritual was even performed by certain wildlife species, especially in the bird kingdom. For now, we will keep it on the human side of things.

Once the couple’s attentiveness became apparent to each other, the young man would approach the young lady by introducing himself. In return, she would reply by giving her name. Once they got the minor preliminaries out of the way, the couple went to family and friends for a meet and greet.

Sometimes if the family is living in a community for over a year or more, neighbors can get in on the introduction as well. Even in the 1800s, burning passions could get out of control. Both male and female virgins had not only their reputation at stake but the entire family as well. Courtship provided a crucial step, allowing the young couple a chance to meet each other’s household family members. Meeting close friends would come later.

The family introduction served three primary purposes, first to meet and show there was someone who cares about that person and provides some background information on both individuals. The introduction to everyone involved in the couple’s life was a must. Remember, this young man’s intention is to take the young lady out on a date, so therefore courtship had to be established first.

Parents, guardians would enjoy the comfort in knowing the person their loved one was going out with appeared to be someone who had accountability and integrity. When you think about it, courtship made good sense because it gave the couple a chance to see how their personalities jelled or clashed. Also, what their family and friends thought about their person of interest.

Although courting wouldn’t reveal the intense nature of the couple’s relationship true objectives and goals. It could lead them off to a positive start for the possibility of dating. If red flares were going off during the courtship, why go into the dating ritual? Sometimes if not often, what you see is what you get.

The 1800s was not a pedal to the metal society; it revolved around a slower motion with low intensity when it came to dating. After courting ended (which could have lasted for over a year), hopefully, the couple was ready to move into the dating lane. Understanding controlled by boundaries was now established, and the approval by their families was based.

SHOTGUN WEDDING

Pregnancy before marriage was an outrage; the couple would be forced to marry (sometimes called a shotgun wedding) to uphold common decency in the community and between families. Boundaries had to be set; emotions were brought under control; he and she understood how far not to go before marriage. That is still a good recipe for today’s dating scene. Boundaries and understanding with a year or more of dating and time shared between the couple helps strengthen their relationship before serious dating or becoming engaged.

Dating depends on what a person is looking for, especially someone to be with, or just fun and games or interest in a partner for life.

JUST THE FACTS!

What is really the relationship’s objective, and how will they go about it? Are they in it for the long haul?

• Long-term or short-term courtship and dating.
• Someone every now and then to hang out with have fun.
• Just casual sex, and not to get too serious, satisfy a need.
• Looking for someone as a future wife or husband.
• Like to play around, not serious, ends up with casual sex.
• Spend all of their money and keep yours, not a quality mate.
• Help you get out of debt, short-term, and not permanent.
• Buy expensive gifts to prove their love, one way to gain acceptance.

Indeed, we can go on and on. The question arises what are you looking for or want from someone you’re dating. Let’s just say you are looking for someone to marry; that’s an excellent start. Take your time; dating should be a time of learning about this person you plan on spending your life with. Mannerism, personality, interests, temper, sense of humor, good or bad stewardship with money, basically you need to find out if this will be a good match.

You are learning about the person by observation and audio, basically, watching and listening. It is an evaluative period matching one person to another. What are the personality differences that are the major, which could result in an ongoing disagreement or something minor that in time will smooth it out without causing any long-term misunderstanding?

Learning someone’s natural behavior is not an easy task. The Bible teaches us, “For what man knows the things of a man except the spirit of the man which is in him? Himself,” I Corinthians 2:11.

 Long-term dating gives the couple more insight into each other’s behavioral patterns. Marriage is a lifetime commitment; you want to be sure and honest with yourself and each other. Personality differences cover a broad range of areas, religious belief, job versus career, friends, associates, etc.

Does this person you’re interested in like to exercise, fish and hunt, or prefer to be left alone or entertain and have family over? What are some of their habits that irritate you the worst? What are some of yours that can be annoying? What are some of the things that make you laugh, or other things that just make you love them the more? While interviewing different age groups on dating, I spoke with my 24-year barber. He had met a nice young lady, and the relationship seemed to be going well until he put a toothpick in his mouth and began to pick his teeth.

Needless to say, that was the end of romance; she didn’t want a man who openly picks his teeth, here again, different strokes for different folks, and so on. In the beginning, dating only reveals the external; over time, the internal will become more evident. The heart is a revealer of all things and difficult to be overlooked.

He could promise never to pick his teeth openly. Still, in his mind, he’s saying, ok. I am doing this for the relationship or for her. If so, what’s next since I’m going to pick my teeth? Someone would say, hey, that’s petty; what’s so bad about picking your teeth in public? Then someone else will say, hey, that’s gross picking your teeth out in the open like that.
No big deal for one, game over to another, a simple personality clash can make or eliminate a possibility. Let’s give it a try and see where we go, and at least make an effort. Most personality differences can be worked out by both parties working together while building a relationship between their minds and hearts.

When working on personality differences, be careful not to be over-controlling or demanding, or one-sided in all conversations and decision making. Be aware of trying not to be too opinionated, at least not to a certain degree, and always going along with the flow, even if it means your miserable. Embrace positive feedback, and never be afraid to express yourself when your emotions are involved, and be willing to compromise where both of you come out on equal terms.

Lifetime means just that, spending a lifetime with someone you love and not fear of losing them. Dating builds a stronger foundation for a successful marriage. While dating, you learn the other person’s strengths, weaknesses, likes, and dislikes, a friendship begins to develop. From friendship comes companionship; companionship leads to love, love bypasses lust, and desires start to blossom with this person. A vision for the future is taking shape.

The Shulamite girl in the Songs of Solomon sends out an astounding alarm to the young ladies in her community. She says, “I charge you, o daughters of Jerusalem, do not stir up love before it’s time.” Excellent advice; awaking sexual desires before you get married is not wise. Out of control, passion blurs red flares warning signs. In one of my counseling sessions, I listened to a woman who had been married for 29 years to a man she could not stand and likewise.

They went out on a second date, and holding hands turned into kissing, kissing led to a gorgeous baby girl. Because of religious belief, abortion was off the table. Because of those beliefs, an illegitimate birth was a no-go. She and the baby’s father were driven into an unwanted marriage because of an untimely pregnancy. Those same beliefs didn’t believe in divorce, and finally, after 29 years and three children later, they decided to call it quits.

Once the marriage ended, she was extra slow in dating and a hard lesson to share with her children. Children are grown up; her ex-husband is now her good friend. Cultural and religious differences are not game stopper but need to be taken into consideration when dating. Jacob, the son of Isaac and Rebecca, in Genesis 29:18, fell in love with his uncle’s younger daughter Rachel (another time and place). He was so in love with her; he was willing to work for seven years for her father to make her his wife.

Not realizing his uncle’s customs regarding the land was that the older daughter had to get married first. Jacob worked a total of fourteen years for the hand of Rachel because of his love for her; in the first seven, he said, “It seems like a few days to him.” After he married her, he still was required to work an additional seven years

However, he still had to work for her father for seven more years to fulfill the land’s customs and cultural demands. Remember the great apostle Paul’s letter to the Church. He says, “If you cannot exercise self-control, let them marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion,” I Corinthians 5:9 NKJV.
Just make sure you marry the person you love, and they love you back, and the both of you want to share your lives together, forever! Take your time if a healthy marriage is in the making; it will be there after dating has been successfully accomplished.